I love you guys too.

Since I posted a few days ago regarding my half-eaten finger, the outpouring of concern and affection has been underwh – I mean overwhelming. So, as punishment – er, reward for your affection, I’m posting the below photos of the minor self-performed surgery that took place shortly after the incident.

I have many blessings, but I’m truly lucky to have a brother-in-law who’s willing to encourage me to inflict harm on myself. Marty claims to have suffered this same injury in the past, and was all too eager to walk me through the procedure. You, sir, are a gentleman.

First, you huddle yourself in the bathroom and heat a pin with French Vanilla Yankee Candle (you can use other flavors, but results may vary). Stick the pin into the top of your nail, and press hard. Rinse and repeat until you get a nice blood flow going. And a helpful hint I learned from experience: if you faint at the sight of blood, especially your own, make sure you’re sitting down when you perform this surgery, or suffer the possibility of falling and bleeding from places you didn't intend to.

Once I got a good size opening, I bled continuously for 4 days. While it helped to relieve the pressure and pain, unfortunately it wasn’t enough to save the fingernail, and its days are numbered. As we speak, the cuticles are pulling back, in anticipation of setting the nail free. In the meantime, the nail is purple, and I feel like one of those Goth guys who paint their fingernails. It’s quite embarrassing, since it doesn’t go with my 80’s retro image.

Anyway, I’ll be sure to have a few nice close-ups once the nail does fall off. Until then, try to contain yourselves. Enjoy.


Step 1: Heat needle.


Step 2: Insert into fingernail.


Step 3: Bleed like a stuck pig.